Both of my parents are dead. It’s still hard for me to say this or think about it. I’m an only child which adds to the pain and the recurring feelings of loneliness. My Dad has been dead for 11 years and my Mom has been gone for over 5. If you are going through the loss of a parent I am sorry. The pain never fully goes away. Even after all this time I still miss them dearly. I have come to realize that I am no longer the same person I was before they died. In some ways I am worse and in some ways I’m better but I will never be the same.
I watched both of my parents die slow deaths before I turned 35. My mother had multiple sclerosis for over 30 years and I watched this dreadful disease rob her of almost everything slowly over time. First she would lose her balance. Then it progressed to where she could no longer walk or drive. Then it took her ability to use her hands leaving her a quadriplegic — paralyzed from the neck down. Her body was devastated by constant infections, bed sores and muscle atrophy. When she finally passed away she weighed less than 70 pounds. I watched her fight this disease courageously at every step but watching her die like this has no doubt left me with mental and psychological scars. I blamed myself for a long time for her death.
My dad died from colon cancer. By the time they found it, the cancer had metastasized in his liver and had also spread to his lungs. Definitely a grim prognosis but he was strong and fought it valiantly for 4 years. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched someone die from cancer but it is a nightmare. I watched this physically fit man who had been my hero and played tennis several times a week disappear before my eyes. Towards the end my Dad admitted himself to a nursing home to die. My mom was at this same nursing home at this time since my dad could no longer take care of her and she needed around the clock care.
I vividly remember going between their 2 rooms checking on them both which was traumatizing. The worst day of my life was having to tell my mom that my dad, the man who she loved and had taken care of her through all the trials and tribulations of MS was dead. I still think about this day and cry.
I Still Dream About My Parents
No one tells you that you will dream about your parents all the time after they die. I still do and like I said my dad has been gone 11 years. I have really mixed emotions about this. If the dream is pleasant and we are having a good time just talking when I wake up I am devastated. It is just like losing them again. Other times one of my parents will be dying in the dream which is so painful as I try to help them in any way I can.
Sometimes I recognize I am dreaming and try to hang on to them for as long as I can.
If you had a close relationship with your parent you are blessed! You may now feel that you are lost and truly alone. Things will never be the same but hopefully some of these tips will help.
Advice For Dealing with the Death of a Parent
Give yourself time to grieve
Everyone is different and will go through the stages of grief in their own way. The Five Stages of Grief are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Hell….I still get mad. Especially when I go to events with my cousins and their parents are still around and they are all having a good time. I also feels pangs of anger and sadness when my wife’s’ parents come around or they have big get-togethers. I can’t help but feel like an outsider at these events and jealous that they have not experienced the pain that I have.
To help with my anger I bought a punching bag and put it in the garage. When I was having really tough days I would just start hitting the bag with all my might which really seemed to help.
You should also realize that grief will impact you differently for each parent. When my dad died I cried for a really long time. When my mom died I didn’t cry much I just felt a sense of loneliness and emptiness that nothing could fill.
Try not to drink too much alcohol
It took me awhile to take this advice but you should try to avoid alcohol as much as possible. It may help take the edge off initially but it can lead you down some dark paths if you are not careful. I remember the first Christmas after my dad died I was so sad. My wife’s family had come to stay with us and they were having so much fun and I couldn’t take it. So I went to my parents old house which I was cleaning up and getting ready to rent out with a bottle of liquor. I then went in to one of the bed rooms to drink my sorrow away. I then went to the movies. It was by the grace of God that I made it there safely. I think I slept through the entire movie.
Talk to someone
When you are dealing with the death of a loved one I found that it really helps to talk to someone. This can be a close friend, relative, support group or a therapist or counselor. Since I was in my early 30’s none of my friends had gone through the loss of a parent and certainly not both so I would meet regularly with a psychiatrist.
Talking through what you are dealing with is one of the best things you can do based on my experience. It really helps to get things off your chest and talk with someone. I was filled with so much anger based on how unfair the situation was with losing my parents. Talking with a professional really helped me deal with this anger and to try my best to move forward.
Go on long walks
As you are working through your loss try going on long walks. I would regularly go on 1-2 hour walks with my dog after my Dad died and lose myself in thought or an enjoyable audio book.
Exercise
Try to hit up the gym when you can. This will help release endorphins which will make you feel better. If you are feeling angry it will help you burn off some of this negative energy and rage. I would go the gym every day to try to give myself a break from the constant grief.
Treat yourself
Focus on activities that relax you or that you enjoy. I love video games so the day my mom died I bought myself 2 video games. I have also found soothing music really helpful. This song from the game Skyrim “Far Horizons” always helps soothe and relax my spirit when I am down.
If you are religious go to church
Going to church helped provide me with perspective and filled me with hope that I will see my parents again. This bible verse always give me comfort
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23:1-6
Cry alot
Remember that it is ok to cry. I cried all the time after my dad died. I still do from time to time.
Try to sleep
Try to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. Dealing with the death of a parent is draining so getting sleep will be important. This was tough for me because of the dreams I mentioned earlier. I also felt a huge amount of guilt early on in the grieving process which made sleep really tough.
Take it day by day
Remember that life goes on. You will have good days and you will have bad days. Grief isn’t logical and you may have several good days and then fall into a deep depression. Holidays will be tough but will get slightly easier over time. I still struggle with Christmas and Thanksgiving with feelings of sadness and anger. I mostly feel jealously of those that have both parents.
Realize that you will most likely never get over the death of your parents but you will learn to live around it.
Be thankful
If you had a close relationship with your parent that died be thankful that you had such a good relationship with them. Try your best to move forward and remember that your parents would want you to keep living a fulfilling life. They loved you and would want the best for you as you move forward with your life.
